Some History - 2014

In January of 2014, we decided we were as ready as we could ever be.  I had been off "the pill" since August 2013, when I had some walking pneumonia.  Two rounds of antibiotics later, it struck me that the pills wouldn't work that month anyway...plus, I only had a few month's supply left.

We were still in Papua New Guinea that August, but knew even then it wouldn't be for much longer (we ultimately packed up and moved back to Houston in December).  The last time I had seen my doctor, he had recommended being off birth control for a few months before trying to get pregnant, just to let the cycles regulate back to normal.  I have since read this strategy is arguably not all that important, but there were several factors pointing toward just stopping.  After a discussion, we decided it was as good a time as any to stop the pills.  I started tracking my monthly data and taking prenatals, so I could be prepared...

So in January 2014, we were excited about the next step, and pretty nervous that it could happen at any time.  But then a few months passed, then a few more.  At first it was a little bit of a relief, honestly, that we weren't taking an immediate plunge into parenthood.  Our relationship and life has been in a wonderful, comfortable, predictable state...throwing a huge change into the mix was, indeed, pretty scary, so the fact that things didn't go quickly at first didn't feel that bad.

After 6 months of trying, and 10 months of data tracking (days, basal body temp, etc), I was a little concerned.  Getting that indication of another unsuccessful month started to feel disappointing and worrisome.  I got some basic blood tests done to be sure there wasn't anything obvious going on.  Michael was tested, too.  All seemed normal, so we just needed to keep trying.

We started to joke that at least that means another month of restful sleep...postponing the diaper changes and late night feeding just a little longer.  Michael always knows how to cheer me up and say encouraging things, when I'm getting worried or down.  After all, all sources of wisdom say to try for a full year before starting to worry!  It's only a 20-30% chance of getting pregnant each month for the average 30-something, so maybe it just hadn't been our month yet.

I was a mild pee-on-a-stick addict.  Not as bad as some I have seen in fertility blogs, but I will admit I had a stash of pregnancy tests hidden in a drawer at work, just in case I felt particularly pregnant and needed to check at work so that I might have a prayer of concentrating during the remainder of the day.  I was also packing sticks when I went on business trips that would overlap the second half of my cycle.  Since you can test and find out with reasonable certainty a solid 5 days before your expected period, I would imagine I went through 2-3 sticks a cycle in 2014.  I couldn't wait to find out the good news...any month now, right?

They don't actually flip you off, but sometimes it feels like it.

That November, we went on a nice vacation.  Work had been stressful, I was commuting 2.5 hrs a day out to Katy, and on top of that, I had become fed up with data tracking.  The "schedule" was starting to wear us both down, and we needed a break.  Takes a lot of the romance / spontaneity out of it when you're doing the sex schedule math every day..."Ok, so it's day 10, now we need to do it every 48 hours until day 20 in order to have the best chances!"  Ugh.  Michael had been so supportive and such a good partner through all of this, so we decided to take a vacation from all of it  We knew where we were in the month, don't get me wrong, we just weren't on a military schedule, and we were ok if it didn't work out.

We went to the Harvard - Yale game at Harvard for the first time in a few years, and then...  Michael broke his leg.  The day we were to fly back to Houston, which was also the Monday before Thanksgiving, we stopped for a quick lunch at one of our favorite college spots.  As we left, it had been raining, and there was a step down from the door he didn't see.  He was trying to hold the door for me, being the gentleman he is...and he slipped and fell.  I could see by the way he fell and the look in his eyes it was bad.

Long story short, we got back to Houston that day thanks to wheel chairs at the hotel and airport, and Michael just being super-human tough.  He knew what was wrong, and going to the local doctor wasn't going to help anything that day.  So we got home, and after seeing his orthopedic doctor, we found out he needed surgery.  The day before his surgery, after I had not been feeling well, we found out I was pregnant. 

As tough as the next few months would be with the knee surgeries and recovery for Michael, something just felt so right about it.  I had to cancel a trip to India to be there for his surgery.  A trip that would have required I take some anti-malarial pills not conducive to being pregnant.  I wouldn't have known about being pregnant in time not to take them!  Not only that, but after trying so hard for a year, to have conceived where we first met was a pretty amazing story.  It was meant to be!  Right?

We were so excited.  So happy!  The awful leg accident, the surgery in early December, and working through all of the recovery didn't seem so awful since it came along with this wonderful news.  After confirming blood tests, I scheduled an 8wk ultrasound with my doctor, which would fall between Christmas and New Years.  Then I miscarried.  I started to bleed heavily the day after Christmas, and they confirmed it was a miscarriage at my 8-week ultrasound, two days before my birthday.  A day before we were meant to go spend time with family, one of whom was coincidentally very pregnant. 

Michael was on crutches, sitting in the exam room.  We had just seen the ultrasound with nothing...no evidence of pregnancy.  The doctor spoke kindly, says this happens all the time, though people don't often talk about it 20% of pregnancies end in early miscarriage.  Pregnancy tests now show positive results earlier than ever before...why not, right?  It's a very exciting thing!  This does result in more couples finding out they are pregnant only to be disappointed soon thereafter.  Something that wouldn't have happened 15-20 years ago.  He said this is likely a sign of a low-quality egg.  One that wouldn't have resulted in a health pregnancy anyway.  He went on to say that this was "good news!"  "At least it was an early miscarriage" (NOTE: THIS IS NOT A HELPFUL THING TO SAY) We knew now that "things were working the way they should...that we CAN get pregnant, and it's just a matter of time".  He didn't think it was time to go the specialist route yet, so we left the office determined to give it more time.  I did my very best not to cry in the office, but I fell apart when we got in the car and headed home.

We delayed going to our family gathering for a day.  We both needed to grieve and pull ourselves together a bit.  The last thing we wanted to hear was, "So when are you two going to have kids???".  I knew I would just not be able to hold it together if we had to talk about what we just went through.

We went, and it was fine.  A bit of a blur to me now, really.  Some of our family who arrived early were kind enough to let people know what had happened so we didn't have to and so we wouldn't be put on the spot.  We did the usual things and visited with the usual people, and it was nice, but I felt hollow as we rang in the new year.