August 2016 - IVF #4, Here we go again

Vacation and the two California weddings went well.  It was nice to see friends, drink some wine in Sonoma and Napa, and even nicer to have several weeks of 0 doctor visits, 0 blood tests, 0 ultrasounds, and 0 shots.  So nice, in fact, that I found myself emotionally overwhelmed as I started to pack my suitcase in our San Francisco hotel room on the last night of the trip.  Tears started streaming as I realized I didn't want to go back...not to Houston...but to the treatments.  After the emotional hit in June & July for having to slow down and take a break, I was suddenly not ready to start again.  And going home meant round 4 was starting soon.

Using the birth control in June, I timed my full natural cycle to end and the next to begin a day or two after arriving back in Houston.  At least this part of my system is consistently cooperative and predictable.  Although, I suppose my ovaries are indeed predictable...predictably uncooperative.  My new cycle started about 36 hours after we landed in Houston, which meant I needed to go in for a blood test and ultrasound to ensure all was well.  I cried that night.  I wasn't crying for the appointment, the estrogen, which was scheduled come a few weeks later and make me deeply nauseated, or the shots, which will come after the estrogen.  I cried because I'm afraid to get on the roller coaster again.  The tentative hope followed consistently by the awful disappointment.  I'm in self-preservation mode, and asking myself how I could possibly believe that this round will turn out any differently than the last ones.

When my acupuncturist asked how I was feeling this week, which is the week I'm due to start the estrogen, I described this stress and fear as the tears started again to roll.  I admitted that it's not helpful, but that it has been a lot more difficult to control this time.  Before the unanswered prayers, the miscarriages, and all this IVF ("Isn't Very Fair") business, I would have just thought I needed an attitude adjustment.  While that's not entirely wrong, at this point in the unforgiving process, an attitude adjustment is quite a bit harder than just blinking my eyes a few times, saying a few prayers, and suddenly seeing things differently.

So there I am, in my acupuncturist's office, and I can't keep the tears in.  I had intended to express some of these things, though quite a bit more professionally and gracefully than this...

Thankfully as you may recall, my acupuncturist primarily sees women facing fertility challenges.  I'm certainly not the first hormonally strung-out woman to break down during an appointment (if the super-sized box of kleenex on the table that changes out regularly is any indicator).  My acupuncturist was understanding and empathetic.  They even have coined a name for what I'm feeling...they call this the "Circle of Pain".  Very apt.  It goes something like this:

• When you do the same thing again and again, feeling the hurt each time, it's hard, if not impossible, not to expect it.  CHECK.
• You start telling yourself that chances are slim and it won't likely work.  CHECK.
• You start to prepare for and even grieve the disappointment that hasn't happened yet, and stress about the decision that comes after that.  DOUBLE CHECK.
• Ultimately, you feel miserable for the entire journey, whether or not it ends badly...

And now, you probably saw this coming, the case for optimism!  So thankfully, they aren't telling me to go out and skip through the daisies with excitement and certainty that round 4 will all be perfect.  Something in between.  I was given an exercise called "Positive Storytelling".  The gist is this:

• Write down (or tell yourself) your current view of it all, then, do it again, but with no fear, guilt, anger, or painful theme.  
• Visualize this revised version as best you can.  Even if it feels stupid, saccharine-y, and naive.  
• Rinse, lather, repeat daily.  

7 days in a row is apparently enough to help convince your unconscious brain that the story is better than it originally thought, and it will (hopefully) stop triggering the feeling of overwhelmed despair.  Even if your conscious brain is still concerned and fearful. SCIENCE!

I do believe that writing this blog has helped up to now, and maybe stepping back from it during the last couple of months has been somewhat counterproductive. Collecting my thoughts and explaining / documenting the process is, in fact, a way to try to look objectively the situation, try to make sense of my feelings (although maybe not completely without pain / fear), and hopefully find some humor in it all...

This "Positive Storytelling" is totally NOT new brain science...positive affirmations are built on the same principles, I suppose...