Last night was the worst storm Houston has seen in a while. After midnight the light show began, and it was like there was a disco strobe punctuated with house-rattling thunder until well after the sun was up. Between midnight and 5:00am our neighborhood received somewhere around 11 inches of rain. This was the case for the vast majority of the greater Houston area.
Around 4:00am, our power went out and the generator didn't come on right away. We checked the fuse box, just in case, and unplugged some thing that might be expensive to replace if there was a surge. In 2008 in our previous home in Atascocita, lightening struck our lot and surged through our home via the cable wire that was buried near the strike. It melted every window and door security monitor switch as well as ruining inputs on many of our electronics. Pretty much anything connected to the cable or internet. Not much fun, but at least the house didn't catch fire.
There were already reports of flooding and blocked roads at 4:00am. Our power came back one fairly quickly, but the internet didn't for about 4 more hours. By 6:00am, it was deemed not safe to be out and we were told by our managers to stay home and work from there.
As we checked the radar via phone signal, we had came to the realization that we may not get the call today either. While that was frustrating, I couldn't help but think how worse it would be if today was my retrieval day. It certainly was for some ladies out there who triggered ~34 hours ago. Right now with their significant others, they are desperately trying to navigate to the clinic via whatever circuitous route or mode (maybe kayak or speed boat?) that might get there before ovulation takes place and the whole thing is ruined. That would be awful. Waiting for my news isn't that bad in comparison. Thinking about this, made me so glad my retrieval was last Monday.
Around 10:00am, the internet returned and the rain continued. I broke down and sent a portal message to Michelle, first wishing her well and hoping she was safe from the weather, and next asking if there's an update on our embryo. About an hour later I left her a similar voicemail. After that call, I committed to that being all I do to reach out to them today. If they were short staffed or dealing with critical appointments only, I didn't want to be the non-critical one demanding their attention.
For lunch we sat together and nibbled leftovers. I was allowed a short break from the No-Fun Diet since the retrieval, so we shared half of my leftover cheeseburger and some fried okra. Other indulgences during this time have included: my chocolate milk shake post-retrieval, a couple caffeinated coffees, a delicious grilled cheese and tomato soup, some pizza, and the other half of that cheeseburger. All gluten with dairy on top. All supremely delicious. Tomorrow, I'm getting back on the NFD wagon. Partly because my gut is, not surprisingly, protesting the splurge...and partly because, if my cycle restarts this week, we will move toward round #3 and it's time to recommit.
Dear Cheese,
I will miss you in all of your forms. You are my favorite, but please don't tell Gluten...I like Gluten a lot, too, but there is no passable substitute for precious cheese. I hope you two are ok sharing my affections both now and forevermore. I do not know when next we next shall meet, but I look forward to it with all my heart.
Love and kisses,
Kelly
Around 2:30pm, it's still raining and Michael stepped into the other room for a conference call. At 2:35pm, my phone rang and I jumped out of my skin. It was Michelle! I asked if she was keeping dry and safe, and she said she was also working from home today. Her internet had been down most of the morning, which is why she was calling so late. She hesitated slightly before gently telling me that she was calling with bad news. Our embryo's development degraded, and in the end, it didn't make it to the final stage. It was discarded. I told her thank you for the news, and I hoped she and I would get to speak again during the next cycle. It must be fairly awful to do that job of breaking such harsh news to couples all day every day.
Failure. I walked down the hall to the office, and as I came in, Michael could see it on my face. Thank God, I didn't have to say it. He muted the phone, stood and just hugged me. I fell apart a little. I cried in his arms for several minutes and he stroked my hair and said, "It will be ok." I kept saying, "I'm so sorry!", which I know I shouldn't, and to which he holds me tighter and says, "Don't say that. It's not your fault!". But it's how I feel in these moments, being the one with the broken ovaries and scrambled eggs. It really Isn't Very Fair...
I had been so hopeful for this little egg from the time we knew it was likely just the one. Yes, the odds were long from that point onward. We both knew this. As the results of "0 blasts" sunk in, the ache and disappointment was slightly more tolerable than cycle #1 of going from 5 to 1, and I think I know why. This round was different because the option had become either quit (cancel the cycle and abandon the follicles) or give our singleton a fighting chance. For me, I didn't know if that egg in that follicle might become our baby, and that was enough for me not to quit. We gave it every chance, and it still failed. Frustrating as hell that we are back to the same spot we were in early February, but we tried, and this one just wasn't our baby.
We needed to know, and now we do. It's not the outcome we might have hoped for. Damn, I would have loved to have another blastocyst on ice and take that baby step forward! I wanted so much for some measurable progress from the investment of these 6 weeks! That would have been sweet and firm affirmation to the choice to retrieve anyway, even with one (and a half?) follicle(s). Now we are numerically no further along than we were in early February...and it's getting to be late April.
We still feel we did the right thing. If I am put in this situation again, I believe I would chose the same path, as hard as it was today, taking that phone call while wearing my optimistic egg socks, and dealing with the finality and 0 progress of round #2. At least we are safe and warm in our undamaged home. The rest of the city is in an officially declared disaster from this weather. We will certainly be ok. It's only crappy news. One step forward, one back.
I scheduled an appointment with my RE for Thursday afternoon to talk strategy. If we are lucky, my cycle will have started and they can also take baselines (blood tests and ultrasound) for round #3. We are ready to try again, and hopefully this time we can kick infertility's ass...or at least make some measurable progress.
Love you Kelly. Praying for God to wrap his arms around you.
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