I worked the rest of Tuesday with a break for acupuncture. I joked with my acupuncturist that I would rather that they kept me under anesthesia until the results were known instead of all this waiting. Selfish and unfair to Michael (unless he could join me!), it would be tempting if it were a possibility. I have said it before and fully admit, I am not a very patient person.
When I got home Tuesday evening, it was back to work until almost 4:00am Wednesday getting data in order for a business trip to Pensacola. Yep...getting on a plane and leaving town means I will be alone (again) when I get the Day 5 report.
You may recall, round 1 went this way. I was in Phoenix on a business trip when received the news that we had gone from 5 embryos on Day 3 (4 of which were deemed "on track" 6-10 cells each on Day 3) to 1 lonely blastocyst, which felt like a substantial loss. To make matters worse, they neglected to sample it for chromosomal testing before they froze it because the lab paperwork wasn't filled out properly. We now can't find out if that blastocyst is normal until the day of transfer (after an overnight rush test that they will pay for due to their mistake). I sobbed out my frustration into my hotel pillow, then gathered myself the best I could to join the work meeting I was there to attend. I once had a severe sinus infection on a long business trip that kept me holed up in a hotel for 2 miserable days of the 2 week journey...I would rather endure that trip several times over than go relive the emotional roller coaster of round 1 results alone again.
You might be thinking, "Well, gee, Kelly, you still were able to get 1 frozen blastocyst from round 1, better than round 2! Shouldn't you be thankful?" Let me explain. I am exceedingly grateful we have the 1...even if it is a question mark for normalcy. Round 1 was the hardest and scariest, primarily due to neither of us knowing what to expect. When we had 5 embryos on Day 3, I allowed myself to relax a little and I got very excited about the possibility that this could be all that we need - just 1 round and we are set! Even if we just got 3 of those 5 over the finish line, that could be all we need. I could be pregnant in another month or so! Have my baby before the end of the year! I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was such a relief. That hope came crashing down with the disappointing Day 5 news, and we were dragged back into the trenches. Hope. Then disappointment. That's been the reality of IVF in our experience, hence my moderated expectations in round 2 and now round 3.
I hear, "It just takes one!" so often. They are innocent words of encouragement, and I appreciate the intention. Embroiled in the IVF process after 3 rounds, they often feel sour. When I hear, "It just takes one!" It can feel like a judgment on our strategy...already having one on ice. I do have "one", but there is still a chance it's actually already 0, and we could have the data on that, but don't due to stupid paperwork. Statistics say it's a ~50% chance of pregnancy when you transfer a chromosomally normal blastocyst back into the womb. That tells my inner statistician that it takes at least 2 to have the best chance to have 1 baby.
2 blastocysts x 50% = 1 baby
We are trying (maybe in vain?) to bank up a few extras in the hope of having 2 children.
Our RE's target from the beginning = 4 blastocysts x 50% = 2 babies.
I know...the first one could take...the second one could, too! There is a coin-flip chance that 1 blast = 1 baby. There's also the possibility that 4 blasts = 0 babies.
From my point of view, it sums up like this: My ovaries are giving out. We are officially up against an awful and seemingly unfair clock that God felt was appropriate to fast forward by about 10 years. Once the ovaries give up, and they get closer every day, there is no coming back. I do not want to place my hopes on a coin-flip chance unless I have given my eggs and ovaries their best possible shot. Now is the time to work as hard as I can toward a statistically sound chance, which to me is more than a single coin-flip. Some days it feels more like throwing darts while blindfolded...sure, it just takes one dart to hit the bulls-eye, but what are the real chances of that happening??
Indeed, it does just take one, I get what is meant by this statement. "Have hope, it could be the perfect one." The one that is meant to be. The odds could come around in our favor and our original lonely one becomes THE ONE...maybe the ONLY one that we get. I have heard several real stories of couples with one lonely blastocyst, and at the end of the day, that's all it took for them! If that becomes us, we would count ourselves incredibly lucky and be forever thankful. My inner statistician reminds me that there are just as many couples on the other side of that coin-flip. Luck and odds have not been in our corner with this process so far. I hope this helps explain why I see the one we have as not enough to stop trying for more. A coin-flip may be all we end up getting, but it won't be for lack of trying for better odds.
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